12-25-11
Jesus,
Happy Birthday! I love celebrating your birth every year, even though the world tries to hide You. Father, thank you so much for sacrificing your heavenly throne and being born as a baby. Your sacrifice shows how much you love us. If you were willing to come into this broken, dark world to save us, you must really care for us. Thank you...
Mark
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Our Wish for You this Christmas
Our “Different Kind of Christmas” Wish
Within days of Mark’s death, I started dreading the
holidays. How on earth would I
find any desire to celebrate anything, ever again, without the boy who first
made me a mommy? Without seeing him loping through my kitchen stealing donut holes,
and hugging me with his rough beard scratching my face? Without his gentle, “Oh, Mama, relax” All
the traditions, laughter, memories we have shared are now finite. There will be
no more on this earth with him.
This creates a physical pain that should stop my heart, but somehow
doesn’t. There are days when my
bed calls me to escape into sleep where I can pretend none of this ever
happened. Sometimes I answer that
call and hope to wake up and find out this was a mistake, it wasn’t really him
in the car.
I’m not going to lie.
Some days we are just going through the motions, like shadows of the
family we used to be. We crawl in
bed together and weep without speaking.
We forget things and snap at each other. We lose ourselves in reading, and projects and
games…anything to keep us from thinking about the tragedy that has hit us like
a meteorite and has left a huge hole in our hearts.
But some days we do actually laugh, connect and sometimes
even dance. And as we have somehow
breathed through the summer, start of School (what would have been Mark’s
senior year), Daniel and Maria’s birthdays, we have learned a new rhythm. It is a rhythm of dependence on God for
our very breath. And in these
moments, we look at each other with sad, but hopeful, bloodshot eyes and know
we will be okay. God is breathing
into us a New Song. It is in a
minor key, for now, but it is a new beautiful song nonetheless.
So, like it or not the holidays are here. And oddly, I have found myself enjoying
preparing for Christmas. I had a
twinge of guilt about that. Not
because Mark would mind…oh no…he would demand I celebrate. But more because a newly grieving
Mother is supposed to suffer through Christmas, right? Isn’t that what we
hear? “The holidays are so
hard. You just have to get through
them.” It is very normal to hear
that the tree doesn’t get put up for years or it is just too painful to
decorate. I get it, I really do. When I pulled out the stocking I made
for Markie as a baby, it wrecked me. I dread the moment when I call the kids to sit on the
steps for our traditional Christmas morning picture. No words can describe the panic and pit in my stomach I feel
when I think about that. And, as I
continue to share where I am, please know that I am only speaking for myself in
this moment and may very well crawl in a hole on Christmas day. And I don’t judge anyone who does. This is an unbearable pain and you just
have to do what you have to do sometimes to make it to the next minute.
But here is the deal…Christmas is not about Mark. It is no more about Mark than it is about Santa. It is about Jesus, a God-person. It is His birthday, and I would no more
not acknowledge his birthday than I would not acknowledge Will or Daniel or
Maria’s birthdays. And this year,
the meaning is even deeper and more special because I am so aware that because
of God’s love for me He sent his Son to die for me. Sure, He knew how it would all end, but He still had to
watch what He most loved die a painful death, and then overcome the power of
the grave! Of course, He is God,
but does that lessen the pain? Or
maybe because He is the perfect Father, it actually increases the pain? If
Grief is the cost of Love, wouldn’t the Ultimate Love Grieve the Hardest? The ultimate sacrifice made because of
love…wow. Because of this, I
can be in relationship with God and one day be reunited with my Mark for all
eternity as we worship God together.
So this Christmas, I refuse to celebrate Fake
Christmas. Putting wreaths on my
windows makes me want to cuss. Not
an act of worship. I’m not doing
it. (Think about it, would you
want someone cussing while making your birthday cake?) I might not feel like
going to parties, or baking cookies and that is okay. But I am going to do things that say, “I love you,
Jesus.” I am going to connect with
my son, Mark, in heaven because Christ lives in me and Christ lives in
Mark. I am going to treasure
memories, and offer my tears to God as a liquid gift this Christmas. I am going to accept His Gift of Jesus
as I breathe in and out. Yes,
Christmas will be hard. But I
refuse to “just get through it.”
Life is too short for that.
I believe that God has special
gifts for those of us who have an empty seat or seats at our table this year. Let’s invite Jesus to fill that empty
space and watch for what He has for us…whether through tears or laughter. So…this year, I might not wish you a
Merry Christmas, but I can wholeheartedly wish you a Hope-Full Christmas.
God is Super Good.
Leigh Ellen
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Perfect Picture of Imperfection
12-8-13
Morning:
Psalm 8
...Look at how often my plans falter, how much I screw up. I am the perfect picture of imperfection. Yet you, this One who never fails, who has done it all perfectly from the beginning, whose glory is displayed all around me, love me. And you have given me power and authority. It's funny, because it's like, "Are you sure you want my screwed up self to be a crucial part of your master plan? Do you really want to count on me to continue a design that's thousands of years old? That doesn't seem very smart to trust me with that." Yet, you do. You've given me skills and gifts to carry out your will. Thank goodness I have your Spirit within me, or this would go very poorly.
Morning:
Psalm 8
...Look at how often my plans falter, how much I screw up. I am the perfect picture of imperfection. Yet you, this One who never fails, who has done it all perfectly from the beginning, whose glory is displayed all around me, love me. And you have given me power and authority. It's funny, because it's like, "Are you sure you want my screwed up self to be a crucial part of your master plan? Do you really want to count on me to continue a design that's thousands of years old? That doesn't seem very smart to trust me with that." Yet, you do. You've given me skills and gifts to carry out your will. Thank goodness I have your Spirit within me, or this would go very poorly.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Prayer for Passion
Summer 2010 (13 years old)
Be my Guide and Lord
God,
You've done so much for me. Yet, unfortunately, I continue to sin. I need a guide, someone who will be my Lord and Passion. Mr. McAdoo asked us what our passion was, and you might not be mine. I want you as my passion, though. I want to honestly be able to say, without a doubt, that I love you first and foremost. Make that happen please.
I love you,
Mark
Be my Guide and Lord
God,
You've done so much for me. Yet, unfortunately, I continue to sin. I need a guide, someone who will be my Lord and Passion. Mr. McAdoo asked us what our passion was, and you might not be mine. I want you as my passion, though. I want to honestly be able to say, without a doubt, that I love you first and foremost. Make that happen please.
I love you,
Mark
Friday, December 12, 2014
Need
undated but Summer 2010 (Mark was 13 years old)
Need
Dear God,
This week's devotion theme was kind of based on needing you. Without you I'd be nothing. Without you there is no everlasting life. But since I have you, I know I"ll be with you in Heaven someday. Until then, I can amass more followers to be with you. Please give me strength for his.
Love,
Mark
Need
Dear God,
This week's devotion theme was kind of based on needing you. Without you I'd be nothing. Without you there is no everlasting life. But since I have you, I know I"ll be with you in Heaven someday. Until then, I can amass more followers to be with you. Please give me strength for his.
Love,
Mark
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Strong in the Storm
7/22/13
(Nicaragua dia cuatro)
Morning
prayer
--Teach me
to worship you in new ways
You won’t
relent…
Set me as a seal upon your heart
As a seal upon your arm,
For love is strong as death
Jealousy is fierce as the grave.
It’s flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the Lord.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Neither can floods drown it.
Song 8:6-7a
--Nothing
quenches God’s love for me
--True love—patient,
kind, selfless, enduring--My love for God is meant to be constant, strong in the storm
--Lord, give
me the faith to follow this calling wherever it may lead...
--Thank you for your faithfulnessYou won't relent by Misty Edwards
Sunday, November 30, 2014
"God is Super Good" Ornament Benefits NCS Nicaragua Mission Trip
Norfolk Christian Schools is taking a group of students to Nicaragua this Summer on a Missions Trip. To help the students raise money for this trip, these ornaments have been custom made and are on sale for $20. Contact Leigh Ellen Rodriguez at lerbeach@gmail.com. All profits will go towards the NCS Missions trip.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Defining Principles
From 7-19-13
It’s time for me to put the principles I preach in practice.
Bravery over safety, Blind Faith, Uncircumstantial Joy
It’s time for me to put the principles I preach in practice.
Bravery over safety, Blind Faith, Uncircumstantial Joy
Friday, November 7, 2014
You Stoop Down
4-23-2013
Evening:
Father,
You have
opened my eyes to your glory. I
can get wrapped up in joy merely by walking down a path at sunset. I have seen your beauty, your
complexity, your infiniteness.
What amazes me is that, despite how beautiful you are, you love me. While I am dirty and cursed and sick, you stoop down to cleanse, bless, and heal me. You have made me into one of the beautiful things I admire. Therefore, my sole purpose is to proclaim your greatness and worship your glory. Open my mouth and allow me not to keep my wonder for you in my eyes, but also in my voice.
You are beauty and grace.
Mark
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Change
6-27-13
We live in a
world of changing and unchanging circumstances, but I believe that God has
given each of us the ability to be joyful in everything. What areas of my life
am I always complaining or grumbling about? I can change them.
Note:
Then Mark applied the above to a specific situation.
1. He asked God to show him what "had him so bummed"
2. He wrote down the specific situation
3. He admitted he had been complaining and grumbling
4. He acknowledged that the situation was not within his control to change and that God had put him in it
5. He thanked God for the good things in the situation
6. He asked for what he wanted and told God what he hoped would change
7. He then prayed for other people related to the situation
8. He asked for what he needed if the situation didn't change
Note:
Then Mark applied the above to a specific situation.
1. He asked God to show him what "had him so bummed"
2. He wrote down the specific situation
3. He admitted he had been complaining and grumbling
4. He acknowledged that the situation was not within his control to change and that God had put him in it
5. He thanked God for the good things in the situation
6. He asked for what he wanted and told God what he hoped would change
7. He then prayed for other people related to the situation
8. He asked for what he needed if the situation didn't change
Monday, November 3, 2014
PLEASE
5-22-13
When the veil broke, it wasn’t just that we could now have a relationship with God. To Him, finally, He could have a relationship with us.
Evening:
When the veil broke, it wasn’t just that we could now have a relationship with God. To Him, finally, He could have a relationship with us.
Evening:
I am my beloved’s,
And his desire is for me
Song 7:10
--He loves
me and longs for me
--I am a treasure
to him
--I want to
have that beautiful connection with him I see in people like Misty Edwards*
--I want to
be so caught up in his love that everyone can see it
--I desire a
real, romantic, relationship with God
Prayer:
--I desire
an intimate love with you
--I’m opening the door, please come in
--I am your garden
--Come in, PLEASE
--Change me! Overwhelm me with your love
--I want to live a life of passion for you
--I’m opening the door, please come in
--I am your garden
--Come in, PLEASE
--Change me! Overwhelm me with your love
--I want to live a life of passion for you
Friday, October 31, 2014
Revolution
5-18-2013
Morning:
I have blotted out your transgressions
Like a cloud
And your sins like
Mist;
Return to me, for I have redeemed you.
Sing, O heavens,
For the Lord has done it;
Shout, O depths of the
Earth;
Break forth into singing,
O mountains,
O Forest, and every tree in it!
Isaiah 44:22-23a
Prayer:
--Thank you
for seeing my sins, forgiving me, and wanting me anyway
--I love
that you’re so incredible that all Creation shouts your name
--If the
trees and the mountains do it, why aren’t we??
--Trees can’t
even see, but all your wonders are laid out in front of us and we still hide
your word.
--We let
embarrassment, persecution, and fear of losing our reputation silence our
vision and our voice of an all-consuming God
--I pray for
more than a revival, I pray for a revolution
--I pray we
would cast off the chains of wanting to fit in and not offend anybody, and we
would begin to proclaim your name loudly.
--I pray for
the strength and wisdom to start leading people in this revolution
--Put my
focus off of me and onto you.
--I pray for
the gift of learning languages quickly, so that I may share this revolution
with other parts of the world.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Ask for the Gift
4-15-2013
Father,
My
generation, at least much of it, is full of hopelessness, fear, negativity, and
yearning. We cling to the shadows
thought they are the source of our blindness. We chain ourselves tighter as we search for liberation. Because of this seemingly endless
cycle, the Color Life fades grayer and grayer.
Father, you’ve
given me a gift; the gift to see.
I get swept up in your light and love to the point of giddiness. You have shown me the value of peace
and joy, and taught me that I have nothing to complain about. This is a very, very powerful
gift. I cannot be comfortable
keeping it to myself, I must share it with the world.
May your
love and your spirit be a fuel for my eyes that never goes out. Take over and touch the world through
me.
Mark
Monday, October 27, 2014
Release
4-11-13
Father,
You have
taken the time to search and know me.
You know me far better than I do, or even than my best friends do. You know who I am now and who I’ll grow
to be.
So there is
no need to worry.
Something I’ve
been working on lately is learning to give all I have to you. I used to worry so much about my
future, thinking about how everything I do could help or hurt my plan for what
I want to be. But I’ve learned not
to have a plan for my life, Lord.
Life is so complex that I wouldn’t know how to get there and would end
up angry and disappointed. But
you, Lord, know the way, and you know the destination.
Help me to
release any worry or stress I have, Lord.
Part of Faith is believing ridiculously in you. Help me to let go of my plan and trust
yours, even if I don’t know it.
Mark
Friday, October 24, 2014
Open My Eyes
4-3-2013
Morning:
Father,
You are
magnificent. The stars and sky
truly proclaim the works of your hands.
So many people take stuff like that for granted, but you have shown me
how beautiful it is.
In your
wonders, in your works, I find peace.
I see your glorious creation and it shows how much you truly care about
me.
Open my
eyes, Father. There’s so much that
I miss on a daily basis because of how I let myself get consumed with school
and [learning] Spanish and guitar and photography, and so much more! Those things are not worth your
grace.
Thank you,
Lord,
Mark
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Light vs Darkess
4-1-13
Morning:
Father,
You are
light. This world is filled with
darkness and negativity, but you have provided a way that I can be joyful,
thankful, and content. However,
the ignorance of our world really saddens me.... It is
real; there ARE children being manipulated and mutilated, stolen and forced to
do terrible acts. Why must people
be so apathetic to decry a powerful cause so they don’t actually have to get up
and DO something in this world? It’s
awful Lord; the world is so lacking in compassion and brotherly love.
Help me to
be someone who burns away the darkness of their negativity with light. We have so much to be thankful
for. While some people devote
their lives in hatred of something.
Darkness
will not be my default.
Mark
NOTE: Mark had been watching documentaries about human trafficking and mistreatment of women and children around the world.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Most Fulfilling Life
May 28, 2014
Morning:
Sing aloud, O
daughter of Zion;
Shout, O Israel!
Rejoice and exult
with all your heart,
O daughter of
Jerusalem!
Zephaniah 3:14
Teach me to love, God.
Teach me how to show people they’re valued and how to bless them. Give me your eyes of perfect love so
that I may see what you see and feel what you feel toward those around me
Humble me, Father.
If I have a selfish perspective God, break it. The most fulfilling life is a life of loving you and others
so much that I don’t have time to be self-centered.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Longing for Light
3-30-2013
Morning
Father,
2,000 years
ago you died so that I may be free from sin as your child. And that’s what I am, a free child of
you. You have given me strength,
zeal, passion, joy, peace, love for the service of you. My sin is not failing, and does not
make me a failure. It just means
I’ve still got some human in me.
The holiest, most righteous person still sins; I am not evil for sinning.
I live in a
beautiful world. It is broken and
permeated with sin, but it is also ablaze with your beauty and glory. That doesn’t mean it’s a failure, it
just means it needs to be cleansed.
The same goes for me. I may
have darkness in me (as a result of my mortality) but I am ablaze with your
Holy Spirit as well. Someday, all
that darkness will be gone.
I can’t let
that hold me back, though. I may
be mortal, but so is everyone around me, and they’re longing for light. And I must show it to them.
Mark
Monday, October 20, 2014
I'm In
May 22, 2014
For the sake of
Christ, then,
I am content with
weaknesses,
Insults, hardships,
persecutions,
And calamities.
For when I am weak,
Then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10
“Think of how much suffering it’s taken for him to earn that kind of faith” *
Let me suffer for your sake, God. If that’s what it takes to fall more in love with you, I’m
in.
*Note: Mark's Mom said this regarding one of the boys in Nicaragua who had faith in God when others disappointed him.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Wild Joy
May 29th, 2014
Morning:
Was hit by the realization last night that I don’t really
view myself as God’s child very well.
I think pretty low of myself, and though we’re called to be humble, I’m
realizing the way I’ve been thinking has actually been kinda selfish. I’ve been so caught up in the idea that
I’m weak and unworthy of God’s love that I’ve forgotten to fully live in the
light of what He’s done for me.
Yes, I’m a sinner, and it’s important to acknowledge that. But I’m also beloved to the
creator of the earth, sky and sea.
That’s cause to live with wild joy! I don’t need to live in shame of my
sin anymore. My cage door’s been
unlocked and I can live in joy of my freedom. I’m not filthy.
I’m white as snow...
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Remind me
2-27-13
Lord,
I seek you
and I find you, for why would you hide yourself from me? No, you are constantly
seeking me; when I feel far from you it’s my fault, not yours. God, fill my cup. Open my eyes to the blessings around
me. You have given me far, far
more than I have ever deserved.
Thank you that you forgive even though I sin time and time again. Remind me of your beauty and grace that
are far more fulfilling than any amount of earthly pleasure.
I love you,
Mark
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I Give You my Life
3-29-13
Evening
Oh Lord,
What a
sacrifice you gave 2,000 years ago.
All for us, all for me. You
felt the pain that I deserved so that I no longer had to pay the price for my
sin. Lord, I will never be able to
express fully the gratefulness a sacrifice like that is due. So I give you my life, Lord, that you
may use it to tell the world of what you’ve done for us. That I may be a beacon of light and
hope to those seeking a Savior.
Thank you for bearing the shame that I deserved. I love you.
Mark
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
All of Me
3-20-2013
Evening:
Father,
Oh how I
await the day I’m face to face with you.
The day that I am no longer tempted, that I no longer sin. The day that I’m all I’m meant to
be. But even though I long for
that day, Lord, I pray for the understanding that I have a purpose here. And that purpose is to worship you and
proclaim your name to all the nations.
God, I can do that now.
I can do that tomorrow as I worship you in chapel. I pray that you would create me into
the person who is out of their mind for you. You deserve all of me Lord, remind me of that.
Mark
Monday, October 13, 2014
Deliberately
May 8th,
2014
Morning:
The steadfast love of the Lord
Never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every
Morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
God thunders wondrously with his
Voice;
He does great things
That we cannot
Comprehend.
Job 37:5
I want to
love deliberately. Selfless love
makes incredible things happen.
You are so
at work, so prevalent, and we ignore it.
We sit down and fold our hands out of tradition, not recognizing that we’re
in the presence of God. Open my own eyes, God. I will be grateful for how much of a
miracle it is to step into your presence.